Don't Hate the Kate

Posted by Joanna Chard on 27th April 2011

The wedding of Kate and Wills is drawing ever closer and the pressure of the big day is mounting. What do I wear? Shall I wear a hat? At what time shall I break through the crowds, run to William and convince him he's making a terrible mistake? Declarations of love aside, we've timetabled the big day for you to reduce the stress and anxiety of such a hectic occasion.

7AM

Wake up. I know this might sound early, but you've got a big day planned. Have a large cup of tea in your commemorative 'It should have been me' mug, while gulping down the tearful lump in your throat. Remember, the ginger one's still available.

Commemorative wedding memorabilia available from John Lewis, this slogan is also available in plate form

8AM

My gran always said that the act of knitting helped to calm her. To still your nerves, why not knit your own corgi? If you stuff him right, he can double as a stress ball when watching the wedding. To create this crafty canine, follow the 89 simple steps laid out by the Guardian.

Why not knit yourself into the Royal wedding by reading Fiona Goble's 'Knit Your Own Royal Wedding'

9.30 AM

Walk over to Hollywell Lane in Shoreditch and throw eggs at Village Underground's 'Dont Hate on Kate' wall piece.

11AM- option 1

Make your way to the Everyman cinema in Belsize Park for a luxurious free screening of the big event, including a butler-like table service. Don't forget your commemorative sick bag by graphic artist Lydia Leith, just in case proceedings become too saccharine sweet to bare.

Buy yours now for only 3 from Lydia Leith. And it comes in an assortment of colours!

11AM- Option 2

For an alternative to the Royal Wedding screenings why not visit Lego Land Windsor, where they've created a miniature reproduction of the event. If you still feel aggrieved, you can just gain retribution by pocketing miniature Middleton.

3PM

Why not gain a behind the scenes view of the Royal Wedding by visiting Alison Jacksons exhibition at London's Ben Brown gallery. Her series of spoofs depict (with uncannily convincing lookalikes) the Windsors in full royal party mode: Kate in sexy underwear trying on the crown, Prince Charles rocking the dance floor with Lady Gaga, and Prince Harry and his girlfriend Chelsea getting frisky in Westminster Abbey.

6PM

Now its time to make your way over to Clapham Common for the Camp Royale celebrations. For only £75 you can pitch a tent and drink free Yorkshire tea from your 'It should have been me' mug. You have just over an hour before the police track you down for vandalising public property and theft.

For more information on Camp Royale, visit Camp Royale

The long awaited day is finally over and were all grateful for the bank holidays. Thanks Wills! I wonder if you'll get time off when the ginger one marries me...